5 Commonly women mistakes that should be avoided in a relationship
1. Copy the model of the parents’ family
“To find the second half, you must first find the first,” says the famous wisdom. As a report, the initial stage of family development is, in fact, you and your life before marriage. At this stage, you live alone, learn to provide yourself, stuff comes and communicates with potential partners. After such experience, you will enter the new cell of society, at least partially forming.
If you just hatched from the parents’ family and are in a hurry to create your own, be sure that you will transfer into it a complex vinaigrette from the rules and ways of communication, vaccinated to you by your father and mother. And do not forget about the partner. If he is as young and beautiful, then he will bring the same tail behind him.
“To understand what suits you and what does not, what you are prepared to put up with, and with what – no reason, it is useful to live on your own and check on your personal experience the baggage received from the parents. This will allow looking at potential partners based on their values, and not through the prism of the views of the pope and mother, which increases the chances of finding a soul mate, “advises Gestalt psychotherapist, systemic family therapist Vlad Khimenkov.
Experience of independent life before marriage helps us to build the right distance in relations with parents and to avoid active interference of ancestors in our family life. So do not neglect such a vital pause.
2. You choose the same type of men
The second and foremost thing, not to chooses the same type of men. And of course, not all men are same. There are many stories behind these strategies, but they are all the same comrade. To hedge against such a mistake, look into the past and honestly answer a few questions:
- What was your first boyfriend like?
- Why did your relationship fail?
- Is there something in the new friend that subtly resembles your Great Unsuccessful Love?
“It is important to understand why relations with Kolya from the past did not take place. If it is because of the superficial attitude to life and the fear of something more serious than a good joke or ice-cold beer, and this quality unites him with the current Vasya, it is worth to take a new relationship with a bit of skepticism, “says psychologist, psychotherapist Anastasia Pyatakhin-Zhire.
3. You do not have the goals of the relationship
Probably, every woman had a man in his life who came with a ring, flowers, a changed face and offered “relations.” Well, if the goals are the same, and if you only need natural courtship at this moment? Perhaps, the romantic prince even succeeds in capturing you for a while, but in the end, relations will predictably collapse. Well, right – the goal is different: the man needs a house, and you’re – freedom.
Psychologists advise whenever everything is just beginning or is about to start, ask yourself the question “what do I want from this man?”. There are many options for an answer – from a dizzying novel for a couple of weeks or an intellectual flirtation to finally a family with a dozen kids.
“Having an honest answer, you should carefully look at the man and try to understand if he can give exactly what you need. I’m sure, in most cases, the woman herself realizes how great is the chance to get from the actual relationship necessary. It’s even easier to find out directly, in a dialogue,
By the way, the very ability and desire to conduct a conversation – answering your questions, hearing them and listening, and also on time and talking about yourself – can tell a lot about a man.
4. You hope to change a man
The attitude of a partner to parents and relatives is a litmus test of your relations with him. Do not be lazy, listen to yourself in those moments when he communicates with his mother, sister or ex-wife. If you are embarrassed by his rudeness – you can be sure, in a year or a year and a half “Shut up you fool!” You will already hear your address.
The second important point is the relationship with finances and everything that is next to them. Choosing together with a partner a gift to a familiar friend, you understand how the object of your sweet dreams refers to the balance between “take” and “give.”
“If he says something like” Well, we’ll buy some souvenir along the way, “and you care for the choice of presents for dear people, you and the handsome man are not following the path. On the first birthday, having received a “souvenir,” you can slam the door. Or even earlier, because the balance between “take” and “give” is violated in such everyday situations as washing dishes or walking a dog, “explains psychologist, psychotherapist Inga Admiralskaya.
In the list of values important for living together, there is still an attitude to children, to rest, to self-development, but these moments are not so apparent as the interaction with relatives and money. It is the fundamental values that should be close. Otherwise, both of you will be disappointed, the expert warns.
Well, finally, take an interest in the passions of the newfound prince. One of my friends divorced from her husband after 20 years of marriage, having a history of common business and three children. The reason for the divorce is the gambling of a loved one, who almost let out a wealthy family around the world. Did the girlfriend know about his passions when marrying? I knew, but I believed that love would win everything.
Meanwhile, psychiatrist Ekaterina Narukevich claims: any formed addictions – to alcohol, food, idleness, deceit – have little chance of spontaneous healing.
“Linking life with such a person, one must understand that you will live with his habits. And if they do not like now, then they will start to engage and, probably, will cause a break. And the joint life will most likely resemble the history of the struggle with the addictions of her husband. Many on such a happy life are solved and, by the way, perfectly feel themselves in the role of a victim: they live with alcoholics, psychopaths. But a full-fledged person should immediately decide whether he is ready to compromise with himself all his life, “the expert comments.
Surprisingly, we are full of fools among us who sincerely believe that it is with them that a man becomes silk. In fact, such magic is possible units. Most of the ladies, after spending a couple of years in marriage, bitterly lament “and to whom I gave the best years.” And what will you say? Whom she wanted – that she gave.
5. Do not get pleasure from sex
Sexologist and coach Alex May says: all relationships are about sex. And if there is no such thing in them, then they are doomed. According to the expert, the woman decides whether her partner is suitable, in the first 6 seconds of the meeting. This happens at the level of hormones. And all that is further determined by these scoundrels. The remaining hours, days, weeks before sex – an attempt by a woman to prove to herself that she was right (or vice versa, if it is more profitable to change her mind).
Alex May loves to tell a story about his girlfriend. One day the lady crossed the road, and the passer-by saved her life, yanking him from under the car. Young people talked, began to communicate and after a couple of weeks had sex. After the act of love, the savior asked: “And when did you decide that you wanted me?” The answer was predictable for women, but do not expect for a man: “The moment you took my hand on the road.” Yes, for a woman, social approval is important, so she will not go to bed at once, but most often makes a decision in the first seconds.
“Another scenario,” says Alex, “is when on emotions at first everything seems to be nothing, and then problems come out, and it turns out that it’s awful. Women today already know that harmonious sex is significant for living together, and are not ready to remain silent and tolerate, like their grandmothers. ”
Therefore, a man who wants to keep important to his relationship – as well as a woman – there are only two ways:
- listen to a partner, try to feel it;
- engage in self-development.
And do not be afraid to go to the training on sexual mastery, there will not teach the bad. Just how to talk about sex, how to enjoy yourself and make a partner happy.
The main problem in relations
Robert Reznik, the founder and leading trainer of the Los Angeles Gestalt Therapy Institute, once said: “Relationships do not depend on what differences there are between people, but on how people manage with them.” This and that relationship depend on the ability of partners to be in dialogue with each other. Even during disagreements.
Psychologists are upset: today most people do not know how to talk. Clarifying a relationship in a pair is often not a dialogue, but two monologues in which each one expresses another claim and tries to convince his opponent of his rightness. Discussion means to hear the other and talk about yourself. If this is successful, then the relationship is likely to be extended and muscular.
So next time be safe and change your habits, and implement some new changes into your practices. Spend a healthy weekend ” must read this ” with your family and make your husband or boyfriend happy. Enjoy your life…